How Not to Raise Narcissistic Children

Schooling and Self-Esteem

When a culture turns away from God, such as our own has done, it becomes rootless. It does not stand for anything and so falls for everything. Each generation is subjected to the latest "bright" idea--particularly ideas about human beings, family, marriage, an raising children--that comes down the pike. Then within a generation, the unintended side effects of these "trendy" concepts begin to show up, and society says, "Oops. That was a bad idea". But by then the damage is done.

One really bad idea in our generation has been the notion that children must have their self-esteem constantly reaffirmed and reinforced. This has led to a praxis in the home and in the classroom of constantly affirming children, and minimising criticism--particularly telling children and pupils they are wrong, or allowing them to fail. But now the results are showing up from a generation's application of this half-baked idea to children. They are not good.

A recent article in the Sydney Morning Herald documents the problems and the emerging consequences.

The belief that regular praise will improve the self-esteem of students has backfired, with educators urging over-anxious parents to let their children fail so they can learn from their mistakes. Parents were also doing too much for their children who were becoming less resilient and unable to cope with failure. Some were even too scared to put up their hand in class and risk giving the wrong answer.

As new research shows that members of Generation Y are entering the workforce with an inflated sense of their abilities, principals are warning ''helicopter parents'' against putting too much pressure on children to be successful, which could discourage them from risking failure.

One Sydney principal has stated bluntly that the principle of educating to build a child's self-esteem is the most damaging educational concept that has ever been thought up.

Rod Kefford, the headmaster of Barker College, has warned: ''We are creating a generation of very fearful learners and the quality of our intellectual life will suffer as a result.''

Today's students are let down lightly by teachers and wrapped in cotton wool by some parents. But in the 1960s, it was not uncommon for teachers to tell students bluntly that they had given a wrong answer.

''Then someone invented the concept of self-esteem,'' Dr Kefford said. ''In some ways it has been the most damaging educational concept that has ever been conceived.
''We couldn't do anything that would upset or harm the self-esteem of students, which was very fragile, we were led to believe … That is when we stopped our proper work in the character formation in young people. If we are serious about building resilience, we have to let them fail. It is only through our failings in the learning process that we learn anything.'' He said schools needed to give children the confidence to risk failure to encourage more creative thinking.

A generation of pampered, cosseted, self-indulged children are now entering adult life. They are failing!

''[Through] this fear we have of ever allowing them to fail, we are selling them short as human beings and as future adults,'' he said. One of the first empirical studies on generational differences in work values shows Generation Y or the ''millennials'' (born between 1982 and 1999) are entering the workforce overconfident and with a sense of entitlement. The research, led by Jean Twenge at San Diego State University and published in the Journal of Management, shows this generation wants money and the status of a prestigious job without putting in long hours. When they do not get the marks they expect at university or rise quickly enough in their jobs, they turn into quitters.

''More and more students are reaching university not knowing how to do things for themselves. Parents think they are helping young people by doing things for them but they are actually making them less independent,'' Professor Twenge said.

''It is now common for parents and teachers to tell children, 'you are special' and 'you can be anything you want to be'.'' While such comments are meant to encourage students and raise their self-esteem, experts say they can inflate students' egos.

''Feeling special often means the expectation of special treatment,'' she said. ''Your parents might think you're special but the rest of the world might not. This can be a difficult adjustment.''

Our parents raised a previous generation on the maxim, "Spare the rod and spoil the child". Our generation has reversed this, replacing it with the faddish, "Spoil (aka, build self-esteem) the child, and spare the rod." The fruits of this indulgence are now becoming evident.

Successful parenting and educating must above all be grounded in honesty and integrity. When a culture turns its back upon God, honesty and integrity quickly become seen as old-fashioned concepts, well past their use-by-date. Instead, parents and teachers want to be loved and liked and replace tough, honest love with cheap psycho-babble "love" which denies their children access to the truth that hurts, but also builds character and resilience and appropriate self-respect that does not tolerate in oneself a perpetual narcissism, believing that the whole world exists to serve me.

We thank God that He has delivered us, through His Son, from such folly and self-deceit.