Crisis of Faith
John Stuart Mill, utilitarian, disciple of his father, James Mill suffered a crisis of secular faith in later life. He describes what it was like to find that his atheistic beliefs failed to satisfy his soul.
I had what might truly be called an object in life: to be a reformer of the world . . . . This did very well for several years, during which the general improvement going on in the world and the idea of myself as engaged with others in struggling to promote it, seemed enough to fill up an interesting and animated existence.This reference occurs in Gray's exposition of the atheism reflected in Secular Humanism--which has now become the virtual universal religion of the West in our day.
But the time came when I awakened as from a dream . . . . In this frame of mind it occurred to me to put the question directly to myself: "Suppose that all your objects in life were realised; that all the changes in institutions and opinions that you re looking forward to, could be completely effected this very instant; would this be a great job and happiness to you?" And an irrepressible self-consciousness distinctly answered: "No!"
At this my hearts sank within me; the whole foundation on which my life was constructed fell down. All my happiness was to have been found in the continual pursuit of this end. The end had ceased to charm, and how could there every again be any interest in the means? I seemed to have nothing left to live for. [Cited by John Gray, Seven Types of Atheism (London: Allen Lane/Penguin, 2018), p. 35.]