New Zealand Punches Above Its Weight--Again
It has just hit the headlines on Drudge that the US Army Chief of Staff, General George Casey has made a secret, but urgent request of the New Zealand Government. In a sign that Prime Minister, John Key's stature was growing within the Obama administration, it is understood that President Obama personally approved the direct approach by the US army to New Zealand.
An official, who stipulated he not be named because he was not authorised to speak (which is to say he is the designated official "leaker") explained that the US military was potentially in crisis. Major Malik Hasan's murderous Islamic rage at Foot Hood, where thirteen unarmed innocent people were gunned down in cold blood, showed all the signs of escalating into a crisis that would undermine the US Army and possibly the Obama administration itself. As details were starting to emerge that Hasan's apparently extreme Islamic political views were not secret, but quite widely known, and that concerns had been reported to superior officers repeatedly but nothing had been done, the US Army faces an enormous backlash right throughout the country.
At risk was the policy, which came right from the top, that the US army must maintain a kind and human face of reasonableness throughout all levels of its administration and all operations. Naturally, this meant that someone like Hasan--who apparently acted as a terrorist and is now being hailed as an Islamic hero by terrorist groups overseas--needed to be benignly ignored. The last thing that the US Army wanted was to convey the impression that it was anti-Islamic. It risked undermining, if not compromising, the Obama Doctrine which called for open, good-faith discussions with all peoples and nations, especially Islamic nations. It was vital that people like Hasan be given plenty of room and space to believe and act out their beliefs regardless of people being killed otherwise bigger fish would not be caught.
But the risk of backlash was very real. The Obama administration was fearful of the "teabag parties" being replaced with much more strident "dirtbag rallies". "At times like this it makes sense to get the best help and advice available in the world," said the "unauthorised" spokesman.
The US Army has asked Prime Minister, John Key to second the NZ Race Relations Conciliator, Mr Jos de Bres to the US Army for an unspecified time. Mr de Bres had been identified by the Army as one of the world's foremost and most experienced "special pleaders" who was an expert in slack rights, and it was thought that he would be very effective in advising the military from the Joint Chiefs on down the chain of command on how to enforce slack rights in a way that was non-divisive and help organisations like the army remain unified in will and purpose. "If we understand slack rights", said the source, "it makes the sacrifice of those thirteen fallen comrades meaningful and important. It apparently helps us celebrate what Major Hasan did because it shows that the United States is the greatest nation in the world."
When questioned on the meaning of slack rights--a term new to journalists--the spokesman said the term was on the Oval Office "hip" list right now. The spokesman said he did not fully understand it, but that was precisely why Mr de Bres's secondment to the army would be so helpful. He was an expert in these matters. The entire country would learn from Mr de Bres.
Other sources have confirmed that slack rights are a special category of human rights which are applied to minorities (whether racial, political, religious) or to any disadvantaged group. One Pentagon source said it was a bit misleading to suggest that slack rights were different from other human rights. Rather, slack rights were a justification for applying human rights in a special way to minorities.
Apparently, the term "slack" originated in the Nixon Whitehouse--something the White House preferred to keep under wraps. On the Watergate tapes, President Nixon--who was notoriously profane--was recorded shouting, "Why don't those #@&%%$ at the !***$@ Washington Post cut me some #@#%$!# slack." Slack rights essentially meant cutting underprivileged minorities lots and lots of slack.
When it was pointed out that Major Hasan was a highly privileged, highly educated, and highly paid professional, the unidentified Pentagon spokesman said regardless of that, he was a Muslim, which as we all know means that he was part of a backward minority--which entitled him to receive slack rights. It was vital to the national interest that the US Army cut people like Major Hasan lots and lots of slack. It also demonstrated to the world what a special place the United States was.
The NZ Race Relations Conciliator was one of the world's leading experts on the skills and techniques of applying slack rights effectively. He recently, almost singlehandedly, smoothed over a political bombshell in New Zealand which threatened to topple the NZ Government. The New Zealand Prime Minister had privately expressed his debt to Mr de Bres, and in a confidential telephone conversation with the White House had expressed to President Obama that he believed Mr de Bres had single handedly saved his governing coalition from collapse.
One member of his governing coalition, a Maaori was publicly exposed calling whites all sorts of profane Nixon-esque names. There was a huge public backlash--worse than any teaparty. But the Race Relations Conciliator explained publicly that this was a clear case where slack rights needed to be applied. Apparently, he defused the whole political time bomb. President Obama was sufficiently impressed to approve the US Army move to approach New Zealand for help.
When asked whether this meant the Pentagon or the White House believed that the facts that were now coming out about Major Hasan's murderous rampage represented a political time bomb, the unnamed Pentagon official said it was inappropriate for the Pentagon to comment upon political or civilian matters, but reporters could draw their own conclusions from Mr de Bres's arrival in the United States.
Prime Minister, John Key of New Zealand said that it was a great honour for Mr De Bres personally, and for the entire nation of New Zealand for him to be invited to advise the US Army at this time of possible crisis. "New Zealand always tends to punch above its weight in world affairs," said Mr Key. "My predecessor, Helen Clark is now just two heartbeats away from the UN Secretary General, and now our Race Relations Conciliator is helping the US Army understand and apply slack rights."
Mr Key's jocular demeanour, however, became more serious when he was asked to comment upon the Fort Hood massacre. "Yes, it's a real tragedy. The truth really hurts some times. We have to be big enough to take the hurt. When you take slack rights seriously it did mean that people would sometimes get hurt." But he went on to say there was a bigger picture that people must not lose sight of. Cutting underprivileged minorities lots and lots of slack was a humane and just thing to do. "In the end", said Mr Key, "even if it results in a murderous rampage, it is worth it. Society as a whole is better off with slack rights for minorities."
UPDATE: A spokesman for the NAACP has sharply criticised the move to consult with Mr de Bres. Under anonymity, he quoted for the record, "It's an insult to all black Americans that the US Army should ask for help from some white honkey on the other side of the world. The US Army has gorged for far too long on the flesh and blood of our black brothers. We black people know all about slack rights. Obama is being an Uncle Tom going to some no-name white flunky. He should have come to us." When the President's press secretary, Robert Gibbs was questioned on the NAACP criticism, he said the Obama Administration was "fine with it". The President believed that everyone should cut the NAACP some slack. "After all," said Mr Gibbs, "the President cut the Reverend Jeremiah Wright lots of slack for over twenty years. And it has not done the President any harm."
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