The Roar of Chainsaws

An Apocalyptic Nightmare

Apparently there are caverns and bat caves beneath the civilised streets where lurk a feral breed of people. They are poisoned by a hatred of trees. They each have a chainsaw--which is the initiation requirement to be part of this community of primordial slime. Every now and then one of these hideous miscreants will start his murderous machine up, and the caverns will be rocked with the raucous sound of his instrument of death, while his comrades lick their lips and sway ghoulishly in the half-light.

There is excitement in the caves--not seen for years. Word has been received that the ignorant and cruel government is about to remove from local councils--those noble institutions which keep at bay the dark forces of a long banished past--the power to decree vast swathes of territory as "tree protection zones." Like orcs bred in the caverns of Isengard, the tree killers are poised to swarm up and out, ravaging the countryside with their axes and chainsaws, wreaking their savagery upon innocent trees.

"It's clearly a return to the Dark Ages," said Anita Oak, Tree Protection Officer for the Upper Hutt Council. "In a more primitive era white colonists came to this country and cut down native trees and bush everywhere. And why? Yes there is the shame of it. They wanted to make money. Money! It's going to happen again. Profit ahead of trees."

Rimu Moana, of the Forest and Bird Waitakere branch agreed. "It's a sad, sad day," she said. "Under the current regime--so enlightened, long may Helen live--local councils could just decree large areas as tree protection zones and people could not cut down trees in those areas. It has been wonderful. It works. Now it is going to be terrible. Councils will have to identify each single tree as worthy of protection. The costs will be prohibitive. It's just not going to work."

The North Shore City environmental policy and planning manager Raupo Reid said that huge numbers of trees will no longer have legal protection. "Imagine that," he said. "How could it have come to this? The human rights--err, excuse me, the arborial rights of trees are being trampled upon."

None of these watchmen on the walls of civilisation wished to talk about their darkest fears. When pressed they acknowledged that they had heard of the anti-tree, chainsaw mad, cavern dwellers. Some visibly shivered when we raised the issue. Others were more indignant. "Look," said Nobby Totara of the Action Valley Coalition and who had personally chained himself over fifty times to trees to try to protect them, "we know they are out . . . I mean, down there. It's worse in the cities because they can congregate underground and feed their feral instincts starting up their chainsaws and all. They are far worse than Boy Racers and gangs--let me tell you that! They are going to emerge like cockroaches and cut down whole valleys of lovely trees as soon as this law passes. Then the government will be sorry."

But Mr Totara is arguing that this will simply be a call to arms for all tree lovers everywhere. "We will fight those bastards in the forests, and on the beaches. We will never surrender. And should our land last for a thousand years, they will say, this--this--was their finest hour." We left him puffing contentedly on a cuban cigar.

Tree Council chairwoman, Silvio Birch said that the change in the law would mean a whole lot more work. Councils were going to be inundated with requests to protect individual trees. Environmental lawyer, Janette Cypress, who represented the Tree Council in court cases protecting trees, said that it was going to be prohibitively expensive for councils to list each individual significant tree.

But an entirely different picture was given by the General Manager of Christchurch City Council, John Maple. "Look, there's a bright side to all of this. More council work, more money, more committees, more field officers, more submissions, more lawyers. Submissions and hearings for every single tree in the city! It's great for local government. I have always said that bureaucracy was recession proof."

When it was pointed out to him that some trees might be cut down, he shrugged and said that it was important for everyone to keep an eye on the greater good, and a few trees dropped as collateral damage was a price well worth paying if it kept council staff and environmental lawyers in a job.